So you want to be a conspiracy theorist? It’s simple and easy, and my one-stop, Ten-step Guide will help you get started. It certainly doesn’t matter what you want to be a conspiracy theorist about. I can help. Let’s get started. We need an example, so let’s just say you want to be a ‘Extrasolar Planet‘ denier. You know, those planets orbiting stars not in our solar system? Well, no one is denying the science behind them, yet, so it’s fertile ground in which to start a conspiracy theory. So where to begin?
(1) First, you should point out that not all scientists agree on data interpretation. You can always find a scientist who will throw doubt on ANY finding. Grab these ‘dissenting view’ guys and gals, and play them up. The ultimate is if you can get the press to feel like they need to give them equal coverage, and split reporters’ attention evenly between you, the ‘truth-seekers,’ and the main-stream scientists, because they have to tell both sides of the story. Even if there is only one side. This is a crack you can open with ease. Talk about, ‘legitimate scientific debate,’ ‘fairness,’ and ‘balancing views.’
(2) Next start early showing how science is always changing. Like here. Show that science is unsteady. Theory is always being ‘turned upside down.’ Now be careful here not to reveal how deeply scientists agree or to what extent they’ve reached a consensus. That can be a disaster for your CT. But statements like this, can be a big boon, “”The new results really challenge the conventional wisdom that planets should always orbit in the same direction as their stars spin,” They changed their minds! Theory was overturned. Use that against them. Great stuff!
And don’t forget to reveal how that astronomy isn’t a science at all, because they can’t do experiments! Show how the smoking gun just isn’t there, because no one has ever seen an extrasolar planet actually forming. Point out that until they can do it in a test tube, it’s not real science. Science as ‘only experiments’ is an indispensable diversion tactic. Use it. Most people don’t know enough about science to counter the claim. It’s a sure winner!
(3) Key in on miss-speak. Like look at these chaps, “In order for this technique to work, the distortions imposed on the incoming light during its passage through the Earth’s atmosphere must be removed using a trick called “wavefront correction.” They used a trick! Tricks mean lies. Lies mean deception. Deception means conspiracy! It’s like taking candy from a baby.
(4) The most important things is to just poke holes in things. Never try to construct a complete story. That’s hard. But, you can always find little things to poke at and cast doubt about. That’s easy. Focus on graphs! Make long lists of things that seem suspect. Great stuff. Don’t fret that you can’t make sense of all the data. No one is going to make you try to construct a coherent story of all the data coming in. That’s not your job. Yours is just to expose the holes in extrasolar planet theory.
(5) Point out that real Ph.D.s are on your side. It doesn’t matter what in. Don’t let people get distracted by ‘what’ field the Ph.D.s are coming from or how their credentials are relevant to the field of extrasolar planetary science. No, any Ph.D. will do. You can always find an engineer or a psychologist who will speak confidently about the problems in astrophysics data and interpretation (But for heavens sake don’t let an engineer or psychologist speak about engineering problems or psychology, that would be a rather freshman Conspiracy Theorist mistake). Try to make lists of Ph.Ds who agree with you. If you have one, play it up–again it doesn’t matter what it’s in.
(6) Play on politics. If you can show that extrasolar plants somehow threaten family values, or show that the other guys (however you define the other guys) embrace some unpopular aspect remotely related to your idea, you are home free. For example, many extrasolar planet articles talk about “stellar evolution” (with its obvious ties to Darwinism) or the “hot gases” of extrasolar planets (obvious ties to Global Warming). Bundle them all into a package. Extrasolar planets=Evolution=Global Warming=Fall of Democracy. Keep them bound tight. Now if you can get a congressman or congresswoman on your side, Woohoo! But, if not, settle for a state legislator–very easy to find one that will support you. Make sure to call astronomy a waste of time and ask things like: “How is that going to help hard working people like me?” or “Why should we pour millions into something that we are not even sure exists?” or “This does not prove anything,” or “There are smart people that interpret the data differently (see #5).”
(7) Next, point out that most extrasolar planet scientists are atheists (whether this is true or not is irrelevant, just say it). Show how they don’t talk about God in their astronomical observations. If you can link this to the fall of civilization so much the better. Chart a course showing how old astronomers like Kepler and Galallao believed in God, and new ones like Steven Hawking and Carl Sagan do not. Make a big deal of this. Make it significant. Blame the science of astronomy on growing trends in atheism. Use real correlation. Of course, wink and say, “Correlation is not causation . . . but even so look at these heathens spouting their atheistic extrasolar planet stuff.”
(8) The most crucial step is to actually make your conspiracy claims. The biggest sign of conspiracy is, of course, agreement. Make a big deal about how the ‘extrasolar cabal’ will not let alternative views in. Claim that the scientific agreement on these distant planets is a sign that it is a conspiracy! What better evidence is there of conspiracy than that the scientists all agree about the extrasolar planet data! This is devilishly hard stuff for the scientists to refute because as they stare at you all deer-eyed and befuddled and say, “but, but . . . ” Then you can point out they don’t have an answer to your charges, and you can cry ‘conspiracy’ more loudly! (Also use lots of exclamation points!!!!! and CAPITALS. It shows you are serious and know what you are taking about).
(9) Now once you are on Step 8, you are ready for an Internet site. This is the most effective way to communicate your ‘revelations.’ Others will join you. If you have any credentials use them. Link to other anti-extrasolar planet sites and get the chatter going. Downplay peer review. Of course, the astrophysics crowd is going to call you nutty, and point out you don’t have any real scientific data, but this is where you want them, and the conspiracy theory can get played to its most damning effect. The fact that there is no peer review, becomes evidence that it’s a conspiracy! Duh! Brilliant stuff here. Stoke the fire. Get people posting on it. If you can get a famous actor involved, do it. It’s not credibility that matters for a good CT, it’s popularity (If they’ve played a smart person on the big screen it’s a help).
(10) Lastly, keep making noise. Start institutes for the study of things like So Called Extrasolar Planets (e.g., ISoSCEP pronounced ‘Is suspect’). Get people of power involved. Demand investigations into Astronomy labs. Keep hammering. Don’t let up.
Now you are ready to start a conspiracy theory on anything. Good luck! And remember: EXTRASOLAR PLANETS DO NOT EXIST!!!!!! DO NOT LET THE ATHEIST SCIENTISTS BAMBOZZLE YOU WITH THEIR SO-CALLED ‘DATA!’ THE EXTRASOLAR PLANET HOAX IS A WASTE OF MONEY.